The Drinking Contest

By:

Duo grinned as he pulled a black polo shirt over his head. He stepped into his jeans and zipped up the fly. He sat on the edge of his bed and pulled on his socks quickly. He grabbed his black boots and stepped into the living room, where Wufei and Trowa were waiting. Duo sat on a squashy chair and stuck his feet into his boots. He tied them as Heero stepped from his room, wearing khakis and a green shirt. Duo said, "Where's Quatre? It's almost time to go." Trowa said, "He's still getting ready." Duo grinned again as Heero sat to wait. Duo suddenly began in a pleading voice, "Heero, I really want to-" "No!" Heero said sharply. "But, you never let me!" "I have good reason to." "Oh, come on, Heero!" Heero scowled at Duo, who thought for a moment and said, "But, why won't you let me?" Heero raised an eyebrow and said, "If I let you drive, you would crash the car and kill all of us. That's why I won't let you." Wufei laughed behind his hand at that statement as Duo flopped back in his chair, an angry look on his face and his arms crossed tightly across his chest. He looked away until Quatre emerged from his room, a wary look on his face. He stepped out and Duo sprang to his feet. "Let's go, already!"
The other three stood and the five trooped to the door. Heero locked it behind them as they piled into his car. He slipped into the driver's seat, with much protest from Duo, who sat shotgun. Trowa and Wufei sat in the backseat, and Quatre squeezed between them. Heero shoved the key into the ignition and turned it. He moved the stick into reverse and peered over his shoulder as he backed out of the driveway. He turned and drove down the street as dusk spread over the city. Duo grinned as they saw the large sign, "Joe's pub". Heero parked the car as Trowa said, "I don't know how you talked us into this, Duo." The five clambered out as Duo flashed a smile at the other four and said, "We just need a night to kick back and relax. That's something we haven't done in a long time, plus this place is awesome. You guys will love it."
They went in and saw that the place was filling up quickly with people on that Friday night. Duo led them to the back, where a shady  looking individual was the only nearby person. Duo sat at the bar, and the other four quickly followed his example. A bartender came by and said, "What'll it be?" Duo thought for a moment and leaned closer, indicating with his hand that he had a secret to say. The bartender leaned over the counter as Duo whispered into his ear, discreetly pointing first at Heero, then at Wufei. His eyes widened and his mouth curved into a smile as he grinned at the two young men.
Heero narrowed his eyes as the bartender chuckled and left. "What was that about?" he hissed at a smirking Duo. "I just want to see how well you can handle your liquor." Duo said gaily. "What!?"
The bartender returned with two glasses and a pair of bottles cradled in his arm. He set one glass down in front of Heero, and one in front of Wufei. He poured a small amount of the liquor into each of the glasses and stood back, watching expectantly. The two stared at the glasses, then at each other. Heero leaned over to Duo again and said, "What did you say to him?" Duo said, "I told him that you two wanted to have a contest to see who could hold their liquor better. Whoever wins gets fifty bucks. Whoever loses, well&let's just say we'll have some fun with duct tape and a drunk Gundam pilot, if you know what I mean." Heero scowled angrily, but Wufei said, "I'm up to it if you are, Heero." A dangerous glint in Wufei's eyes forewarned Heero, but the two were beginning to attract stares. Not wanting to give up, he grabbed the glass and downed it. He slammed the glass back down and recoiled at the strong taste. Wufei did the same. The bartender clapped his hands together and rubbed them briskly, a wide grin on his face. He grabbed the bottle and filled the glasses again, a little fuller that time. The two drank again, the taste obviously affecting them.
They fell into a routine, the bartender only pausing when the two bottles were emptied. He went away for more, and the signs of drunkenness were evident on Wufei and Heero's faces. Wufei didn't seem to be handling it well, though. He swayed on his chair and a worried Trowa propped him up. Half the bar was watching them as they continued to challenge each other. Heero barely managed to raise the glass to his lips. He slowly drank it and set the glass down, Duo thumping him on the back with enthusiasm. Wufei was slower to get his glass. He lifted it, lowered it, and then lifted it firmly. He pressed it to his lips, but didn't drink. The glass fell from his hands and bounced off his knee. It landed on the floor but didn't break. The contents began to flow across the floor in a messy puddle. The bartender grabbed Heero's wrist and pronounced him the winner. He slipped a fifty  dollar bill to Duo, who discreetly tucked it in Heero's pocket as Wufei nearly slithered out of his chair, moaning something incomprehensible. Heero staggered to his feet and laughed at Wufei. He pointed at him and giggled. Duo ushered him to a chair and Trowa and Quatre helped Wufei. Trowa said, "Now what do we do with them?" Duo grinned but said nothing. He went to the bartender and asked him for a few things. The bartender nodded, giving Duo a funny look and went away. Duo waited until he came back with duct tape, a razor, and a large blue permanent marker. He handed the supplies to Duo and he went over to Wufei. He set the supplies near Heero and picked at the duct tape until he got a finger underneath it. He pulled a long strip and asked Trowa to help him keep Wufei still. Duo circled Wufei, taping his chest to the chair and pinning his arms to his sides. He struggled, still very drunk. Duo grabbed the razor and began to neatly shave off Wufei's left eyebrow. He stood back and laughed hysterically. He reached for the permanent marker and messily drew a blue eyebrow' back on. Heero was still laughing, but at what, nobody knew. Trowa said, "What else can we do?" Duo sat and thought for a moment. A disgustedly happy look crossed his face as he looked at the razor some more. Trowa began to sweat. Duo stood and said, "You know, we could shave his legs." "That's repulsive! And imagine what he would say when he woke up!" Quatre said, laughing. Trowa grabbed the razor and knelt by Wufei's right leg. He rolled up the baggy pant leg and began to shave.
Heero noticed what they were doing and nearly fell on the floor, laughing and hiccuping. The five were attracting a lot of stares and laughs. Duo crossed his arms and watched Trowa, a satisfactory smile on his face. When Trowa finished, Quatre took the razor and did Wufei's other leg. When he finished, Duo peeled off a short strip of tape and stuck it to the top of Wufei's head, on his tightly ponytailed hair. He pressed it down as Wufei stared at him, a slight smiled on his face. Duo backed away. Duo gathered the supplies and gave them back to the bartender. Duo sat at the bar and ordered a beer. He sipped it slowly as Heero laughed and Wufei began asking nearby people if they would like to buy stuffed dingoes from him. Heero started acting funny, as he asked Duo, "Where did you put my cafeteria lady?" Duo raised his eyebrows and said, "What?" "My cafeteria lady, Veronica!" Duo nearly dropped his beer and laughed hysterically. He managed to gasp, "Wufei took her!" An incredulous and angry look crossed Heero's face. He stood and went to Wufei. He said loudly, "Where's Veronica?" Wufei giggled and said, "Do you want to buy a stuffed dingo? We have special two  for  one deal. You buy male, at least 25 inches, get a second one, 30 inches, half price!" Heero shook with rage and said, "Where's Veronica?!" Wufei raised his blue eyebrow, which made Trowa, Quatre, and Duo convulse with laughter, and said, "With Fluffy." "WHO'S FLUFFY?!" "My pet dingo. She's really pretty, with brown fur and little tufts on her ears-" "I DON"T GIVE A FLYING CRAP ABOUT YOUR STUPID DINGO! WHERE'S VERONICA!?" "I ate her." "Oh. Okay." "Do you want to buy a dingo?"
Duo quickly said, "I think you two have had enough for one night." He grabbed Heero by the shoulders and steered him to the door. Trowa and Quatre dragged Wufei, still taped to the chair and still babbling about dingoes, to the door. They put him in the trunk and put Heero in the back. Quatre sat shotgun as Duo snuck to the driver's side door. Trowa stopped him and said, "I'm driving." Duo frowned sadly and crawled in back with Heero. Trowa started the car and drove the four back to Heero's house. When they got there, Duo dragged Wufei from the trunk and set him in the living room. Trowa led Heero to his bedroom and helped him into bed. The three sober young men met in the kitchen, and Duo said, "The night is young. Let's make some prank calls!" Trowa raised his eyebrow and said, "Isn't that a little childish?" "Nope! First call, Relena." Duo picked up the phone and peeked into Heero's room. He said, "Heero! What's Relena's number?" "56?" "No! Her phone number!" "555  4723." "Thanks."
Duo chuckled and punched in the digits. He went back to the kitchen as Relena's sweet voice said, "Hello?" Duo said in a high girly voice, "Hellooo! Is this Releeeena?" "Uh, yeah, who is this?" "Ohhhhh! This is Sarah! I'm Heero's new girlfriend. He hates you." "What are you talking about?" "Ohhhh! He must not have told you!" "Who is this?" "I TOLD YOU, I'M SARAH!" "What's going on?" *click*
Duo rolled with laughter as he hung up. Quatre laughed, "That was really mean. Who's next?" "How about Sally?" "I don't know her phone number." "Wufei does!"
Duo sprinted to the chair, where Wufei was singing The Barney Song. He shook him and said, "What's Sally Po's phone number?" Wufei stopped halfway through the chorus and said, "The Isle of Man. That's my final answer, Regis." Duo scratched his head and said, "Wufei, have you ever called Sally Po on the phone?" Wufei nodded his head vigorously. Duo grinned and said, "What numbers did you push on the phone to talk to her?" Wufei scratched the tape on his head and said, "Uh&17, 5&69, pi&and the square root of 3."
Duo laughed and went back to the kitchen. He said, "He's too drunk to answer. I could only get 17, 5, 69, pi and the square root of three out of him, and I don't think that's a phone number. Plus, I don't think you can enter decimals on a phone." Quatre and Trowa laughed. Quatre took the phone and said, "Let's call Treize." Duo and Trowa gasped as he punched in the digits. He flashed a smile at the two as he changed his voice, like Duo did, and said, "Hello, Treize?" "Who is this?" "I'm Jennifer." "Jennifer who?" "Uh&Jennifer Smith." "Why are you calling me, Jennifer?" "Uh&" Duo snatched the phone up and said, "Because she's a salesperson. I'm her partner in crime, I mean, partner in business. I'm Missy, and we're selling stuffed dingoes. We have an excellent deal. Buy one male, 25 inches, and get another one half price! Whaddaya say? Can we hook you up with one?" Treize paused for a moment and said, "I don't think I could use a dingo now. Maybe, I'll contact you when I need one-" "What are you talking about? Everyone could use a dingo around the house! Why, they wash your dishes, do the laundry, and they make julienne fries! Plus, they program your VCR, they baby-sit your kids, and even know how to use the bathroom properly! No messes!" Treize paused and said, "I'm terribly sorry, I'll have to pass up on your terrific offer-" "OH PLEASE, SIR! WE need your business! Plus, they're only $49.95, plus shipping and handling!" "Uh&I'm really sorry-" *click* Duo laughed long and loudly as Quatre stared and Trowa gaped. He said, "Now who?" Trowa took the phone and said, "I want to call Miliardo." Duo giggled and said, "What are you going to say?" Trowa gave a devious grin and said, "I've got the perfect idea." He punched in the number and pressed the receiver to his ear. He said in a smooth soft voice, "Hellooo. This is the Victoria's Secret hotline. If you would like to order our latest magazine, press one. If you would like to have Katie tell you about our latest line of see  through lingerie, press two. If you would like to hear where our closest store is, press three. Please be sure to visit our website at Seethroughstuff.com." *click* The three giggled for a while after that. Duo took the phone and said, "Hmmm. Who now?"
Just then, Heero staggered in. The three watched him careen over to the fridge. He opened it and pulled out the orange juice. He opened it and drank from the carton, not stopping to take a breath. He polished it off and dropped the empty carton on the floor. Duo began to say something, but stifled himself. Heero slowly staggered back out and collapsed on the couch. The three laughed some more. Duo suddenly got an idea. He rapidly punched in numbers on the phone and held it up to his ear. Dorothy leaned over her bed and grabbed the phone. She pressed it to her ear and said, "Hello?" Duo cleared his throat and said in an imitation of Quatre's voice, "Hello, Dorothy." She said, "Quatre?" "Yep. I was wondering, if you want to go on a date with me on Friday?" Quatre screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" "What was that?" Duo blushed and said, "Nothing. Are you busy then?" Dorothy said, "Let me check my calendar." Duo ran from the kitchen, still on the line as Quatre tried to wrestle the phone from his hands. Dorothy said in a breathless tone, "Sure! Friday at 6:30 okay?" "GREAT! I mean, great. I'll be at your house then." *click*
Duo hung up as Quatre bellowed, "WHAT DID YOU DO!?" "I set you up with Dorothy." "WHAT!?" The word echoed around the house as Quatre froze on the spot.
Duo meekly said, "Friday. 6:30. At Dorothy's house. You." He pointed at Quatre, who stared at Duo's finger like it was evil. He looked at Duo with a look equivalent to the one he had when he was using the zero system. He tackled the black  clad boy and wrestled him to the floor. He said through clenched teeth, "If you don't call her back and cancel that date now, I'll-" Trowa separated the two and said, "Quatre, I'll take care of it later. Now, let's make sure our two resident drunks are okay, then we'll get to bed."
Duo stood and dusted himself off. He straightened his collar and went into his room with a sniff. He closed and locked the door behind him. Trowa tossed a blanket over Heero, who crashed on the couch. Wufei was still singing, only now he was singing a song about dingoes. Trowa said, "He'll be fine. Go get to bed."
Quatre slowly retreated to his room, thinking of how he would kill Duo. He changed into his pajamas and climbed into bed. Trowa went to his own room and fell asleep soon after.

***
"WHAT'S GOING ON?! WHY AM I TAPED TO A CHAIR?!" Duo sat up groggily. Suddenly, he remembered the previous night. He smiled and laid back down. A loud thunk roused him, though. He peeked out the door and giggled when he saw a rather sober Wufei, laying on his side and angrily trying to get out of his bonds. Duo slipped out and righted Wufei with some trouble. "Duo, why am I taped to the chair? What happened last night? Who won?" Duo grinned and said, as he grabbed a mirror, "I think Heero did." "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Duo grinned in delight as a stream of words not to be repeated spilled from Wufei's mouth. At last, he said something legibly. "Who did this to me?" Duo froze and meekly said, "Uh, Trowa and Quatre, and&uh&me?" Wufei fell over again, this time, furiously trying to tackle Duo. Heero woke then, and said in a sleepy voice, "How did this get in my pocket?" He held up the fifty  dollar bill and Duo cried, "You won the contest last night. That's the prize money!" Wufei yelled louder and Duo sweetly said, "I'll untape you if you promise not to hurt me." Wufei grumblingly agreed. Duo got a pair of scissors and cut Wufei free. He stood and scratched his head. He felt the tape and angrily began to approach Duo. "You promised!" Duo said. "Promise, my butt! I'm gonna kill you!" "Not after you find out what Trowa and Quatre did to you."
Wufei froze and spun. He faced Quatre, who flinched and said, "What did you two do?" Duo grinned and put away the scissors as Quatre stuttered. "Uh, we&well, we were at the bar&and Duo had a razor&and&uh&ask Trowa!" Quatre fled to his room. Wufei stroked his chin and Duo leapt. He ripped the tape from Wufei's head, and the scream that echoed around the house rattled windowpanes and roused neighbors on both sides. A loud struggle ensued, in which Wufei attempted to throttle Duo. Trowa came out then, and said, "Hey, Wufei! Did you even notice your legs yet?" Wufei froze and his eyes grew round. He got off Duo and fearfully peeled back one of his pant legs. He silently felt his smooth hairless leg and said in a querulous tone, "You guys shaved me?" Duo grinned and Wufei opened his mouth to bellow, "YOU GUYS SHAVED ME?"
Trowa nodded and Wufei became silent. He sighed and said, "Crap." He flopped backwards on the floor and laid there, Duo laughing, Trowa sighing in disappointment, Quatre peeking from his room fearfully, and Heero, who had fallen back asleep. Duo saw that Heero was back asleep and snatched the fifty  dollar bill. He tucked it away and said, "I'm the winner." He knelt by Wufei and quietly said, "You were singing The Barney Song last night. And, you were trying to sell stuffed dingoes to people at the bar." Wufei's lower lip trembled. Duo continued. "And you were smiling when Trowa and Quatre shaved you." Wufei's eyes grew large. "And&" Duo trembled with happiness as he continued. "And now you are forever bearing the mark of your defeat." Duo pointed at Wufei's blue eyebrow'. Wufei burst into tears and said, "I'll kill you all!" through his sobs. He ran to his room and slammed the door.
Duo shrugged and grinned. "Not bad for their first time at a bar." He said to himself as he went to his room. He tucked the fifty  dollar bill away in a drawer and sighed. "Not bad at all."

THE END