GET OUT OF MY MANSION!!!

By: Lauren

Disclaimer: I don't own the awesome Gundam Wing or the lame He-Man; Defender of Eternia either, so don't bother me!

"Go away!" Quatre desperately ran out into the hallway and down the stairs to escape the ravenous Dorothy behind him. "I can't believe I'm running away from a girl in MY OWN MANSION!"
"Quatre, please," Dorothy wailed at the top of the staircase. "I'm so lonely..."
"And I'm just FINE with that! RASHEED! Security! Anybody! Get that deranged freak out of my home." But Dorothy was already on his tail. She made a passionate, yet sickening, leap, tackled Quatre to the floor, turned him on his back, and pinned him there, screaming like a child about to receive a shot.
"If you'll just listen to me..."
"Somebody help; I'm bein' molested!"
"Quatre, I would NEVER hurt you!"
"Oh, REALLY? What about the time you stuck me in the side with a sword, huh?"
"Well, that was..."
"AND you're violating me NOW! Get off!" Quatre was panting hard and Dorothy gave an exasperated sigh. How could she ever convince him to marry her? She thought back to her entrance into Quatre's house-the window. Apparently, he had set up extensive security for her especially. Yes, the vicious dogs, the martial arts experts (recruited by Wufei himself), the tanks, the 400 men in arms, the lions and tigers, the clowns, the fire breathers, the expert swordsmen, the multi-talented robots, and even the rabid bunnies all greeted her before she was in 4 miles of the Winner Mansion. And she graciously returned the greeting by blowing them all to smithereens! She felt so loved!
All of the sudden Dorothy's body temperature rose and she began to giggle a giggle that went through she body so that it made Quatre's own body twitch. Dorothy raised one of her freaky eyebrows and said in a soft, amorous tone, "You know, we could have kids."
Quatre squealed through his teeth and kicked Dorothy off. He rolled away from her and ran to the nearest door that led to another staircase, panting through his teeth. [Nasty thoughts, nasty thoughts, get them out, get them out....yuck, I can't!] As the disturbing and utterly disgusting images of Dorothy sharing his bed, bath and beyond comprehension emerged in Quatre's mind, he fumbled with the door knob, loosing his cool and finding it impossible to open the door. It's locked! he thought in horror. Just then, a shot could be heard throughout the room and a bullet hit the door panel right next to Quatre's hand as he quickly pulled it away. He flung he head in Dorothy's direction, only noticing her hideous face and not the gun in her hand. She charged for him, still shooting her pistol haphazardly hitting everything surrounding Quatre.
"I've got you now, my love!" she screamed hysterically, holding out her arms. Quatre unlocked and opened the door. Dorothy screamed as she fell helplessly down the stairs while Quatre looked on like a curious child.
"So, Dorothy does bounce while she falls down the stairs."
"Are you battling with Dorothy, again?" Heero walked into the room followed by Wufei whose skin was blackened by the explosion.
Quatre blushed and locked the door hastily. He straightened himself and wiped the drool from his lips. Lastly he patted down his hair and cleared his voice before he spoke.
"Wufei, what in the world happened to you?"
"I decided to jump down your chimney. I hope you don't mind the soot that I'm dragging everywhere," Wufei answered through his teeth.
"No...he, he, he...not at all...he, he, I don't mind." Quatre and Heero covered their grins and chuckled.
"*Yawn* What's with all the raucous? Can't a guy get any sleep anymore? Can't you people be a little more quiet for a friend? Man, my work is never done around hear. And...WHOA, Quatre! When I said renovations, I didn't mean bullets holes the form a spitting image of you on the wall! Sheesh!" Duo surveyed the disaster area that Quatre was standing in. "But I've got to admit, this old vase looks good with a few holes in it."
The vase burst and it's pieces scattered all over the floor. Duo slapped the side of his head and began to sweat. "Ah, well, I didn't like the vase anyway, Quatre."
*sweatdrop* The others sighed heavily.
Everyone went into the kitchen and had a snack, which Wufei rather painfully ate, and Quatre filled them in on the story. Wufei coughed on his snack, Heero stared at Duo and Duo laughed his heart out.
"Duo, it's not funny!" Quatre protested across the table. Duo stopped laughing.
"No, it's not, I'm sorry." He tapped his fingers innocently and in a split second slammed his hand on the table, rattling the food and shouted, "It's hilarious! Ha, ha, ha, ha..."
Heero lowered and shook his head, though he and Wufei kept their eyes on Quatre, who had stood up. Duo reclined in his chair and placed his feet on the table, laughing harder than before. Quatre silently walked over to Duo's feet took his finger, lifted them, and tilted Duo over until WHAM! Duo had fallen on the floor.
"Owwwww! What'd you go and do that for, buddy?"
Quatre kneeled over Duo and said,
"Now it's hilarious." Wufei and Heero laughed as Duo moaned and realized that his long braid was completely caught under the chair and he painfully pulled it out. He pouted in his seat.
Suddenly, the door slammed open and Dorothy stood in the entrance of the kitchen holding a machine gun in one hand and a net in the other.
"Quatre Raberba Winner, you come here right now!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Quatre screamed.
"Is she crazy?!" Duo remarked.
"What is with this mindless woman?" said Wufei.
"Oooo, pretty gun." said Heero.
"Why, thank you, Heero."
"Anytime."
"Now, my love, come to me!" Quatre ran in the other direction into the inner kitchen door.
"Men," Dorothy sighed. Heero and Wufei only watched her pass and then followed her into the inner kitchen. "Quatre, don't run; I only want to love you and be with you forever and ever!"
"That's why he's running, virago." Wufei retorted.
"YOU shut your mouth!" Dorothy whirled round to face him. "Just because you'll never have a chance with a girl doesn't mean you can take it out on me. Humph!" She resumed her relentless pursuit of Quatre.
"Hey what's that's supposed to mean! Nothing! You know why? Cause it came from an ugly woman with monstrous eyebrows who was born without a chance for a date!"
"Ouch," Heero commented. Then a wind of bullets whizzed past Wufei's charred face. He ducked back behind the door. Heero crouched low and reached Wufei who was shaking.
"Are you alright?" he asked Wufei.
"I think I've been traumatized." Wufei whimpered. Bullets were still flying above them.
"Stay here, I'm going to get a bigger gun."
"Just pull one out of your spandex, genius."
"I don't have anymore room for a gun in there."
"Ah-ha, so you do keep your guns in your spandex!"
"I...oh...Never mind. And don't tell anybody, or else."
"Or else what, oh one with the empty void in his spandex?"
"Or I'll let loose those trolls in your closet and send clowns to eat you at night!"
"Ah, No! Trolls in the closet, can't sleep, clowns gonna eat me, trolls in closet, clowns gonna eat me....." Wufei held his head and cried while Heero went to get his Buster Rifle (aka Zero's ultimate gun used to destroy the falling chunk of the space base Libra, yah, that rifle).
Seconds later, Duo crawled towards Wufei dragging his sword.
"Heero said for me to give ya this, Wu-man. Enjoy." He crawled back a little after he gave Wufei his sword. Wufei eagerly grasped his weapon, stood up, holding it erect and shouted in a deep voice, "I HAVE THE POWER!!!" as random lightning changed his outfit into a samurai warrior's.
"*sweatdrop* Yeah, whatever. Egos, this story gets worse the more you tell it. You can stop posing like that Wu-Man. We get the picture." Wu-man (well he is now) pointed his sword at Duo and shouted, "Ah-ha, Battle Beast!"
Duo shrieked and jumped away from the lightning that was trying to strike him.
"Wufei! Have you gone MAD?!"
"I am Wu-man, protector of Utopia."
"Utopia doesn't exist!"
"That is besides the point, damsel in distress!"
"What did you call me?"
"HMMMMM. I sense supreme danger. Come damsel! We will vanquish it together, then you can marry me!"
"WHAT!!! I'm a BOY! B-O-Y, BOY!" Wu-man grabbed Duo by his hair, pulled the poor former god of death closer, held him under his massive arm and shouted, "Away!" Then he ran straight through the wall.
Meanwhile
Dorothy began searching for Quatre once more, almost out of ammo. Quatre jumped over several tables until he found the section with all the best knives. To his surprise, he found Catherine and Trowa blowing fire and throwing knives to each other.
"Trowa!" exhaled the exasperated Quatre.
"Don't mind us, just passing the time practicing our act."
"Well that's fine and dandy, but what about me!"
"I don't know, what about you Quatre? What have you been doing?"
"Being hunted down like an animal by the Freaky Eye Brow Lady! What else?"
"Oh, that was the noise. I thought Wufei was pitching a fit." Steam burst out of Quatre's ears and his veins began to swell. Trowa looked at him and gasped.
"You look awful! What'd she do to you?"
"Uh, Trowa..." Quatre pointed.
"Trowa look out!" Catherine screamed. Trowa turned his head, only to find a butcher knife stuck in it. Catherine and Quatre gaped with dread and unbelief. Out of pure shock, Trowa managed to say,
"There is a butcher's knife implanted in my head...it hurts excruciatingly...feeling faint loosing consciousness..." Trowa fell backwards and BANG! hit his head on the counter behind him, forcing the knife from it.
"Quatre? Is that you?" called Dorothy.
"Trowa, don't be so loud!" Quatre whispered.
Catherine ran over to Trowa and cried on his face.
"Shhhhh!" Quatre whined.
"Ow! Catherine, could you not do that; I have a migraine."
"Trowa, you're alright!"
"Please, no screaming." Catherine ripped her dress and tried to wrap Trowa's head, unable to.
"Trowa, your head is too big."
"I love you too, Catherine."
"Ah-ha! There you are, my dear!" Dorothy emerged from behind the counter and cast her net over Quatre.
"Ahhhhhh! Get me out! Dorothy, for heaven's sake, let me go!"
"Never!" She hoisted her catch over her shoulder with ease and walked towards the door. "You told me to get out of your mansion so that's what I'm doing. La, la, la..."
"Trowa, save me!"
"ALRIGHT! I'm coming!" Trowa began to sit up, but Catherine pushed him back down.
"No, not until I bandage your head and get you to a hospital, someone call 9-1-1."
"Ah, Catherine, that will take forever," Trowa whined.
"Trowa, help...!"
Just then an earthquake seemed to over take the entire mansion, but then Wu-Man with a mangled Duo in his clutches burst in through the floor after searching the whole mansion for the others.
"So! Tried escape me Eye Brow Woman? Well, make sure it never happens again." Wu-Man dropped Duo on his head. Everyone else blinked at Wu-Man.
"Ha! Another victory for the mighty Wu-Man!" Then Wu-Man flexed his muscles, broke his armor and posed. Catherine squealed and ran over to him and he took her under his giant arm. Trowa's head banged on the floor and really made him unconscious. Quatre cried as Dorothy walked away with him in the net, and Duo's fragmented body slumped over his head so he could see his feet upside-down.
Suddenly the alarm went off and a flat screen TV lowered from the ceiling. Everyone looked at the screen as a projection of a large mobile suit with a gun pointing at the mansion appeared.
"Is that Wing Zero?" everyone said.
"Cool TV, Quatre," said Duo.
"WARNING, WARNING. UNIDENTIFIED MOBILE SUIT TARGETING WINNER MANSION. EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY. Or just run around in circles screaming, like everybody else. REPEAT..."
"What do we do now?" cried Quatre.
"Don't worry, Wu-Man will save us." said Catherine enthusiastically.
"Oh, joy," muttered Duo.
"I will? I mean, I will! Because I am..."
"Shut your yap and save us you oversized gorilla!"
"You could say 'please.'"
"Wufei!"
In Wing Zero
"I will destroy you all! Mu-HaHahahaHa! Hmmm. I have got to get a new saying." Heero sat patiently as the rifle loaded completely. The screen flashed "ready" and Heero fired the rifle.
In the kitchen
Everyone screamed.
"Wu-Man to the rescue!" shouted Wu-Man.
"My Hero!" cried Catherine.
"Relax, hussie, we haven't even been saved yet!" shouted Dorothy. Then the beam hit, but Wu-Man put his sword in front of it and created a barrier around everyone else. The beam bounced off of Wu-Man's sword and went back to Wing Zero.
Inside Wing Zero
"This won't end well." [Heero's fate is he ends up hospitalized and under the constant care of Relena, who eventually get her head gnawed off by a rabid bunny that escaped Dorothy's bomb.]
Wherever Winner Mansion Was
....Supposed To Be....
Quatre sobbed. His beautiful mansion did not survive the blast, nor did anything behind it.
"Just go live in one of your summer resorts," suggested Catherine. Quatre stopped crying. Wu-Man turned back to normal because his sword broke in two from the blast; he was thrown in the mad house. Dorothy was arrested and sentenced to life-without Quatre; she went to the incomprehensibly mad house. Duo spent time in the hospital and got a psychiatrist for his feel of super heroes. Trowa survived his head injury, but Catherine would never let him throw knives again.

The End....

"Can't sleep, the clowns gonna eat me."
"Can't sleep, the clowns gonna eat me."
"Can't sleep, the clowns gonna eat me."
"Can't sleep, the clowns gonna eat me."
"Can't sleep, the clowns gonna eat me."
"Ah, the trolls came out of the closet! Darn you, Heero!"